Do We Crumble or Do We Pivot?

I heard this amazing quote while I was taking a Peloton class with one of my favorite instructors, Robin Arzón.

It got me thinking-how many times in life we are faced with adversity and how we react can be the difference between making the best of a bad situation or throwing in the towel.

My first lesson in pivoting was when I was in college.

I was fortunate that I grew up pretty middle class, maybe even upper-middle, but then my world came crashing down when my dad lost his job when I was a sophomore in college.

They didn’t have enough money saved up and my parents told me I’d have to take out loans and work enough to pay for my room and board if I wanted to afford staying in school.

It was either that or move home and go to college locally.

I opted for the work my ass off route and although I have no regrets, it was not easy.  I missed out on so many things, big and small.

Everything from not being able to get frozen yogurt with my friends on a Sunday afternoon to not being able to go to spring break with my sorority and most of the Greek system at The University of Maryland.

One semester, I had to work 30 hours/week, was in school full-time, was on the executive board of my sorority and was a teacher’s assistant. Ironically, that was also my best semester academically.

Things shifted when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I started focusing on all the good. I was getting a great education and I loved being in my sorority. Fast forward to present day, these beautiful ladies are my forever friends and sisters.

No crumbling for me, but an extreme pivot. One that at the time, I resented, but later I really appreciated when my life was less chaotic.

My life was pretty great from when I graduated college in 1993 until 1997 when my mom got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. 

The next year and a half were all about trying to get my mom well with chemo, surgery, physical therapy and lots of time in the hospital.

In August of 1998, I got pregnant with my first baby and I was sure the idea of being an Abuela would miraculously cure my mom. 

It helped for sure. We spent hours shopping for baby clothes, decorating the nursery and dreaming of a life with a baby.

Unfortunately, God had other plans for my mom and in February of 1999, her oncologist informed us that the cancer had metastasized and our dreams of longevity were shattered in an instant. 

The cancer was now in her liver and lungs and she had anywhere from weeks or maybe, best case scenario, a year or two to live.

When we got home from the hospital that day, I collapsed on my bed and cried harder than I ever had. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I would never stop crying and life would never be ok again.

Eventually, I got up and knew I had to be strong for my mom. The next few months were a whirlwind of more chemo, more tests, more hospitalizations.

On May 13th, I gave birth to my beautiful baby, Caity, and was so grateful my mom was able to be there for the happiest day of my life.

But then, just three and a half weeks later, was the worst day of my life when we lost our precious mama.

How was it possible that I could be so happy being a first time mama and so devastated at the same time?

We mourned our mama and the grief was so overwhelming that some days, I didn’t want to get out of bed. But my baby girl needed me and I knew my mom would not want me to be suffering so much.

So every day I got out of bed and took care of Caity. 24 years later I am still taking care of my family and now my mama takes care of me, from up above.

Life really isn’t fair. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that in the most difficult times, it’s so important to lean on family, friends and faith.

You will get through it. Life doesn’t always give you what you want, but it does give you opportunities to pivot and flow. To be open to the possibility that maybe God or the universe had different plans for you.

My life has not always been easy, but I’m so grateful I’m still here. I have the most amazing kids, family and friends. None of which I will ever take for granted.

I hope and pray I can continue to lead a great life and when things go wrong, have the fortitude to know that I will be ok.

Wishing y’all lots of love, laughter and pivoting…